August 20, 2010

As you may have been able to tell from the last entry, the intensity has increased or I am no longer coping quite as well. Perhaps, as the newness wears off, I am more open to the negatives, or things have built up over the three weeks with the Institute teachers, or it is week 3 or some combination of these things and more. Either way, it has been a more difficult week. I have been impacted by the dynamics of the Institute and the teachers. The challenge right now is definitely more mental than physical. It’s not that the classes aren’t pushing me but somehow the work to “stay” is much more mental at the moment.

A year or two ago a friend of mine, and fellow yoga teacher, was visiting Montreal. We went to a Bikram (hot, really really hot) yoga class. From the moment I walked in the door, my mind was activated! I wanted to leave immediately. That continued for the next 1.5 hour-long class. The poses were not particularly challenging physically but it was a constant battle with my mind. Leave, stay; lie down, do the pose; can’t breathe, just breathe and so on went my mind. This week was reminding me of that class –and there have been many more than one of those situations!

Here, the mental challenges are more like: how can I be expected to know how to move only the lateral edge of my big toe? Don’t call me (really us as the teachers were referring to the whole class) stupid again! Does she have to yell the entire time (okay,  what I’m really saying is “shut up!”)? Can he not say something new or at least shorten his point to less than 10 min? I don’t want to do another triangle pose. Get the idea? :)

So, I am entertaining myself – or distracting myself – by psychologizing the Iyengar family for fun. Mr. Iyengar is definitely still a strong and present patriarch and there are moments where the fire he is so renowned for is evident. His voice is often channeled through his granddaughter or one of the other female teachers in the women’s only classes, and he can be felt very clearly. He can also be heard shouting from the side of the room where he is practicing and one of his daughters, who I don’t really know, often takes on this role of “shouter” in the classes, sometimes talking over the teacher (who is not a family member) and frequently yelling.

Geeta, his daughter, is not teaching. Rumblings indicate that the student population is generally disappointed and displeased with this. Geeta, very similar to her father in many ways, including teaching style, is also very loved — like her father. I had heard, prior to coming, that she might not be teaching. Initially I was relieved, but now I miss her. The classes would be difficult and demanding but we would move.

Prashant, the son, is my primary teacher. He teaches 5 of the 7 classes I attend. The other two are the women’s only classes. This morning he acknowledged that he was not a student of Iyengar yoga. He said, instead, he was a student of yoga. He is interested in pursuing yoga to its fullest and not giving the detailed instruction of his father and sister (I added the last part about the father and sister). He said this put him on the outside of the Iyengar world. It was fascinating to hear him say this and I wondered who caught the layers of these statements and if Prashant himself knew what he was saying. Mr. Iyengar is definitely absent for Prashant’s classes. Prashant’s theme, I think, is to try to teach us how to be students for ourselves and not vessels of Mr. Iyengar. Great thought, but unfortunately, he does not articulate his vision well. His vision of teaching people how to learn for themselves is obviously a difficult one to put into practice– it has led him to restrain himself from offering too many instructions and as a result I find myself floundering, not knowing how to execute what he is asking.

Following on that theme, Prashant spoke tonight about knowing that many of us are not happy with his teachings. We want the detail, we want the instruction and we want to do more and think less. It was interesting to hear that acknowledged because as I mentioned earlier, there is a sense that people are unhappy. However, I am not sure that things would be much different if Geeta was teaching, just for other reasons.

I have been thinking about how difficult it must be for both Geeta and Prashant to navigate the relationship of guru–student and father–child. Geeta, it seems to me, followed more in her father’s footsteps and Prashant has attempted to carve out a new path. Both choices were complicated and difficult, I imagine.

It is also obviously difficult at moments to negotiate these waters as a student. I appreciate the Iyengar method, have tremendous respect for Mr. Iyengar’s work and practice and have grown personally as a result of the practice. At the same time, I struggle with the ways that the lessons are communicated. I am not sure this is the most effective way to teach. I watch the Indian students in class and they seem to have the ability to let all this roll off them, especially as much of the yelling is directed their way. Is this what I should strive for? I also recognize much of what I am feeling. It is not new. It has come up, with varying intensity, in every other workshop and training that I have had in the Iyengar world. It is not necessarily bad, and I don’t want to leave that impression. It is part of the process of learning, transforming and I know it is important to question what I am doing. This is a stage of the process and it may be how I feel by the end or it may not. On that note, stay tuned :)

On a related note, Oscar took a picture of my class (and we are not really sure if it is allowed) as he was waiting to begin his class. Here it is!

Since starting classes at the Institute, I have been struggling with the pranam. Pranam is bowing down into extended child’s pose at the guru’s feet, receiving his blessing and then rising. I was feeling a bit shy about this ritual but it also felt important and was something I wanted to do. Today, Mr. Iyengar was waiting to come up to the class area for his own practice as I was coming down. I had observed others and so knew the ritual and it seemed like a good time, so I did. Phew, that is out of the way! Now, I feel much less shy around him and as I said, it felt like the right thing to do. I do have tremendous respect for Mr. Iyengar and his life’s work and I bow to that.